Sushi Sasa has magical powers

It's been coming on for over a month now. Recently, my heart has been so full that it was only a matter of time. I have NEVER been the first one to say "I love you" in a relationship. Not that I can recall at any rate.

I've known for a few weeks that I've been in love with Kyle. One night after a few beers I let it slip that "I loved" him for something he said. A few weeks later after a few drinks, I swear he let something similar out, but it happened so quickly I wasn't sure. I ended up dreaming amazing dreams about him that night and when I woke up in the morning, I couldn't remember if it was all in my head or just some of it.

Then these last couple of weeks, it pounded through my brain every time I was around him. It was like a mantra I kept repeating to myself. It seemed so loud, I was sure he could hear it.

One night over dinner with my friend Kristen I confessed to her how much I wanted to tell him how I felt. She logically asked, "well, what's the worst that could happen? He could just not say it back. Is that really so terrible?" I thought about what she said for a few seconds. No, I supposed, it wouldn't be the end of the world if he didn't say anything. But then I thought about myself. I'm just always in my head. I'm occasionally a wee bit sensitive. I realized that the worst part wouldn't be that he wouldn't say it back. I thought the worst part was more than likely I would act differently because he hadn't. Less confident, less like myself.

This isn't always the way I would have behaved. In the past I've always been prone to taking a leap, putting my heart out there. I'm just a little more reserved with it these days. I was articulating some of these thoughts to Kerry in an email and she said something that really struck me. She said, "I just hope you don't feel like you have to hold back when it comes to allowing your relationship to progress at the same pace as your feelings." It made me think. I didn't want to constantly feel like I was holding back around him. I just wasn't ready to put my heart out there, to make myself so vulnerable.

Yesterday Kyle came over. It was just a typical afternoon for us. Talking, laughing, watching How I Met Your Mother. Usually we make dinner together, but we somehow ended up deciding to go out to sushi. Sushi Sasa. The sushi bar here is amazing, probably my favorite (sorry Sushi Den). Sitting next to him, more talking, more laughing. Hand holding, occasional kisses, and lingering eye contact. Gradually I could feel it well up inside me. A couple opportunities came and went. I chickened out. I knew, however, that I wasn't going to be able to last. I had to get it out, before it consumed me. I shyly leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I love you."

I don't know what I expected, but it was not what he did. He reacted so quickly. As I pulled my head away, he turned toward me, cupping my face in his hands, looking me in the eye. "I love you," he said so confidently and assuredly. Something about the way he said it gave me shivers. "I love you so much" just spilled out of my mouth.

Something felt different between us somehow. Like a barrier I hadn't even known was there disappeared.