It's been coming on for over a month now. Recently, my heart has been so full that it was only a matter of time. I have NEVER been the first one to say "I love you" in a relationship. Not that I can recall at any rate.
I've known for a few weeks that I've been in love with Kyle. One night after a few beers I let it slip that "I loved" him for something he said. A few weeks later after a few drinks, I swear he let something similar out, but it happened so quickly I wasn't sure. I ended up dreaming amazing dreams about him that night and when I woke up in the morning, I couldn't remember if it was all in my head or just some of it.
Then these last couple of weeks, it pounded through my brain every time I was around him. It was like a mantra I kept repeating to myself. It seemed so loud, I was sure he could hear it.
One night over dinner with my friend Kristen I confessed to her how much I wanted to tell him how I felt. She logically asked, "well, what's the worst that could happen? He could just not say it back. Is that really so terrible?" I thought about what she said for a few seconds. No, I supposed, it wouldn't be the end of the world if he didn't say anything. But then I thought about myself. I'm just always in my head. I'm occasionally a wee bit sensitive. I realized that the worst part wouldn't be that he wouldn't say it back. I thought the worst part was more than likely I would act differently because he hadn't. Less confident, less like myself.
This isn't always the way I would have behaved. In the past I've always been prone to taking a leap, putting my heart out there. I'm just a little more reserved with it these days. I was articulating some of these thoughts to Kerry in an email and she said something that really struck me. She said, "I just hope you don't feel like you have to hold back when it comes to allowing your relationship to progress at the same pace as your feelings." It made me think. I didn't want to constantly feel like I was holding back around him. I just wasn't ready to put my heart out there, to make myself so vulnerable.
Yesterday Kyle came over. It was just a typical afternoon for us. Talking, laughing, watching How I Met Your Mother. Usually we make dinner together, but we somehow ended up deciding to go out to sushi. Sushi Sasa. The sushi bar here is amazing, probably my favorite (sorry Sushi Den). Sitting next to him, more talking, more laughing. Hand holding, occasional kisses, and lingering eye contact. Gradually I could feel it well up inside me. A couple opportunities came and went. I chickened out. I knew, however, that I wasn't going to be able to last. I had to get it out, before it consumed me. I shyly leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I love you."
I don't know what I expected, but it was not what he did. He reacted so quickly. As I pulled my head away, he turned toward me, cupping my face in his hands, looking me in the eye. "I love you," he said so confidently and assuredly. Something about the way he said it gave me shivers. "I love you so much" just spilled out of my mouth.
Something felt different between us somehow. Like a barrier I hadn't even known was there disappeared.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Why I got back on the bike
What have I been up to? Work. Hiking. Trying to get back into running and yoga. Cleaning. Oh, and being ridiculously happy. Why haven't I mentioned this before? I've come to regard good things as something akin to a skittish wild animal. You don't want to be loud our make your presence known in any way or you'll scare it off. So why am I breaking the silence? Because good things also don't seem real unless other people know about it (even if it is just the ether because I've lost all my readership due to being an inconsistent blogger).
So why am I so happy?
Near the end of June I went on my last eHarmony date. He seemed nice but I had finally had enough. Enough of dates where I didn't feel any chemistry. Although there were things on the surface that we had in common, my last few dates felt surprisingly incompatible give eH's spiel. I had had it with dating. I just wanted to just be for a while. I hated coming home from work, seeing that I had communication from new people on eH. I found it exhausting. Finding compatibility just shouldn't be something I dreaded quite so much. I told myself I was through with actively pursuing anything for a while. To show myself I meant business, I cancelled my eH subscription (which, to be honest, was taking an annoying chunk out of my bank account every three months). Even though I was paid up until the end of August, my decision to cancel my auto renew somehow made it easy to delete all my eH emails in my inbox, and delete them with a light heart. My life was in desperate need of a de-cluttering. It seemed indicative of how I felt about my life by looking in my inbox. How was it so overwhelmed with crap that I couldn't deal with it? I needed my life to feel in control again and the perfect way to do that seemed to be to just not think about dating. I wasn't swearing of the possibility of a relationship, just letting myself be for a while, letting things feel a little more organic.
In mid July my plan was in full swing. I cut my hair, cut it shorter than I had in a while. I hadn't admitted this to myself, but I'd had so many guys tell me that they loved my long hair (and don't get me wrong, I loved it to), I just felt like I was a long hair person. But I looked at old pictures of myself with the chopped locks and decided it was time for a change. The new cut was just what I needed. It was summery and fun and I couldn't believe how liberating it felt (not just the physical weight but the emotional weight too).
Just a few days later, Kerry and Anthony came up to visit for the weekend. Anthony's old roommate Ali (and Ali's fiance Kate) was having a housewarming party. I was invited and they organized a trip to Golden City Brewery (a small brewery in Golden with a relaxing beer garden) before the party. Kerry had invited some girlfriends of ours and Ali and Anthony's friend Kyle, who I hadn't met.
The moment Kyle showed up I knew I liked him, in a way that you just get a feeling about people in general. Some people we're naturally drawn to. His curly blond hair was just a little shorter than mine and his aviator sunglasses and big smile were incredibly disarming. As we worked our way through a couple of GCB's delicious pitchers, I learned a little bit more about him and found him more charming by the second (it did not hurt that he seemed to find my quirky sense of humor amusing).
After a few beers, we all relocated to Kate and Ali's for BBQ. There were a few more beers involved and somehow Kyle and I ended up talking, making out and sleeping together (JUST sleeping. I was having fun and wanted to keep it PG-13). The next morning I woke up feeling happy. A part of me thought, If I never see him again, I still had a nice night and the other part of me was curious if I would see him again. I wanted to; despite my cynicism, it just seemed like there had to be more to the story. As I was getting ready to leave, he walked me to the door. Wordlessly and sleepily he handed me his cell phone, indicating I should enter in my number. I liked how laid back he was. Just what an over-thinker like me needed.
Since that night we've been seeing each other each other every few days. Those first few dates I'll admit I was still trying to make up my mind about him. Did I actually like him, or had it all been just initial chemistry? It took a few weeks, but suddenly I could feel my walls coming down. I was opening up around him and we were slowly getting to know each other. I've driven home from being with him on more than one occasion with so much excitement that I've let out a "squeeee!" in the car.
I'd been really enjoying myself, but I still wasn't sure how serious it was. The amazing thing is, although I'd ponder this a little when I wasn't around him, as soon as I'm near him, I can't help but feel incredibly happy. Most of my worries and over-thinkings go right out the door. How is that?
And we've been having so much fun, going on hikes, camping, biking (just to the baseball game and out with the Denver cruisers, but it was his encouragement that got me back on the thing), enjoying baseball games, movie watching, making dinner together (he can cook and he helps clean up), going to the Denver Art Museum. He's adventurous, active, and outdoorsy. So much fun to be had!
Every week feels different, like we've gotten closer and this week is the same. The last few times I've been around him, my heart has felt so full. Touching him and being near him is so amazingly and inexplicably comforting.
I know I'll have more to say on this (about the past and what's to come too), but I just had to write this down. There's so much joy and contentment in my heart, things I haven't felt in a really long time.
So why am I so happy?
Near the end of June I went on my last eHarmony date. He seemed nice but I had finally had enough. Enough of dates where I didn't feel any chemistry. Although there were things on the surface that we had in common, my last few dates felt surprisingly incompatible give eH's spiel. I had had it with dating. I just wanted to just be for a while. I hated coming home from work, seeing that I had communication from new people on eH. I found it exhausting. Finding compatibility just shouldn't be something I dreaded quite so much. I told myself I was through with actively pursuing anything for a while. To show myself I meant business, I cancelled my eH subscription (which, to be honest, was taking an annoying chunk out of my bank account every three months). Even though I was paid up until the end of August, my decision to cancel my auto renew somehow made it easy to delete all my eH emails in my inbox, and delete them with a light heart. My life was in desperate need of a de-cluttering. It seemed indicative of how I felt about my life by looking in my inbox. How was it so overwhelmed with crap that I couldn't deal with it? I needed my life to feel in control again and the perfect way to do that seemed to be to just not think about dating. I wasn't swearing of the possibility of a relationship, just letting myself be for a while, letting things feel a little more organic.
In mid July my plan was in full swing. I cut my hair, cut it shorter than I had in a while. I hadn't admitted this to myself, but I'd had so many guys tell me that they loved my long hair (and don't get me wrong, I loved it to), I just felt like I was a long hair person. But I looked at old pictures of myself with the chopped locks and decided it was time for a change. The new cut was just what I needed. It was summery and fun and I couldn't believe how liberating it felt (not just the physical weight but the emotional weight too).
Just a few days later, Kerry and Anthony came up to visit for the weekend. Anthony's old roommate Ali (and Ali's fiance Kate) was having a housewarming party. I was invited and they organized a trip to Golden City Brewery (a small brewery in Golden with a relaxing beer garden) before the party. Kerry had invited some girlfriends of ours and Ali and Anthony's friend Kyle, who I hadn't met.
The moment Kyle showed up I knew I liked him, in a way that you just get a feeling about people in general. Some people we're naturally drawn to. His curly blond hair was just a little shorter than mine and his aviator sunglasses and big smile were incredibly disarming. As we worked our way through a couple of GCB's delicious pitchers, I learned a little bit more about him and found him more charming by the second (it did not hurt that he seemed to find my quirky sense of humor amusing).
After a few beers, we all relocated to Kate and Ali's for BBQ. There were a few more beers involved and somehow Kyle and I ended up talking, making out and sleeping together (JUST sleeping. I was having fun and wanted to keep it PG-13). The next morning I woke up feeling happy. A part of me thought, If I never see him again, I still had a nice night and the other part of me was curious if I would see him again. I wanted to; despite my cynicism, it just seemed like there had to be more to the story. As I was getting ready to leave, he walked me to the door. Wordlessly and sleepily he handed me his cell phone, indicating I should enter in my number. I liked how laid back he was. Just what an over-thinker like me needed.
Since that night we've been seeing each other each other every few days. Those first few dates I'll admit I was still trying to make up my mind about him. Did I actually like him, or had it all been just initial chemistry? It took a few weeks, but suddenly I could feel my walls coming down. I was opening up around him and we were slowly getting to know each other. I've driven home from being with him on more than one occasion with so much excitement that I've let out a "squeeee!" in the car.
I'd been really enjoying myself, but I still wasn't sure how serious it was. The amazing thing is, although I'd ponder this a little when I wasn't around him, as soon as I'm near him, I can't help but feel incredibly happy. Most of my worries and over-thinkings go right out the door. How is that?
And we've been having so much fun, going on hikes, camping, biking (just to the baseball game and out with the Denver cruisers, but it was his encouragement that got me back on the thing), enjoying baseball games, movie watching, making dinner together (he can cook and he helps clean up), going to the Denver Art Museum. He's adventurous, active, and outdoorsy. So much fun to be had!
Every week feels different, like we've gotten closer and this week is the same. The last few times I've been around him, my heart has felt so full. Touching him and being near him is so amazingly and inexplicably comforting.
I know I'll have more to say on this (about the past and what's to come too), but I just had to write this down. There's so much joy and contentment in my heart, things I haven't felt in a really long time.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
What's a good color on you?
Tuesday night I lay in bed, feeling pitiful. Each cough reminded me that being sick is even more fun when you're still sore from your ass-kicking Yoga session two days prior. Each cough ended with a pitiful whimper. It had been coming on for a few weeks, but there I was, Tuesday night, in the middle of the worst of it, sinus headache being my favorite bit, watching a movie, hoping to fall asleep. Yes there I was at the late late hour of 9:00 PM.
I felt the phone buzz and I contemplated not getting it, but when I saw it was Shaw, I decided I probably wanted to take it.
"Hey, Dana!" he shouts. It's very loud where he is, almost like he's in a bar. I guess he probably was.
"Hey," I gurgle.
"Hey, how would you like to go to the Nuggets game tomorrow night?"
More gurgling on my part. I believe my exact words were "mehemanaa...blah..meh...wha? How? Wha? Umm...hell yeah!"
At this point I went to prop myself up from my pitiful position. I even temporarily forgot that my head hurt.
"Oh, well, there's just one thing...you have to wear a yellow shirt."
"We're going to be sitting with Melo's Yellows!?!?"
I should explain that last week at the game, my very first game I might add, there I was in the eight row having a grand ol' time, but feeling slightly envious of section 368 (waaaay up there in the third section). Fans were jazzed where I was sitting, but waaaay up there was an entire section wearing yellow shirts (with Carmelo Anthony's face on them), standing the entire game, cheering rowdily, and other such shenanigans. Nothing seemed more exciting in my bandwagon daze.
Apparently if you know the right people you can get on an email list...and voila, Shaw managed to score a few tickets. Ohhh happy day!
If I thought the first game was fun...well this one kicked the crap out of that game. Although it wasn't as close, I shouted myself near hoarse (and am feeling surprisingly spry today...good thing too since I'm going for a run soon...more on that in a minute), and the Nuggets clinched the series against the Mavericks.
On the way home, I still was buzzing with so much excitement I had to tell someone who'd get how thrilling this actually was. Needless to say he was green with envy (but he looks good in green).
I have a lot of thoughts to get out here so without much of a non-sequitor, I'm launching in to my run today. BolderBoulder training didn't end up the way I wanted it to this year, but I've spent the better part of the day today imagining the 4 mile run Kristin and I have planned (Kristin is: awesome, a new running buddy, living four blocks from me, awesome, similar in running pace to me, introducing me back in to yoga, and...hmmm, did I mention awesome?) and thinking to myself, I am going to run the whole thing. The mental preparation for this run is in place!
Being sick has definitely held me back from training, but I've also held myself back (laziness and silly excuses). I'm hoping the more people/promises I'm accountable to, the more I'll hold up my end of the bargain!
So time to go change into workout clothes and head out the door. Hot, sweaty, red face...sounds like a great Thursday night to me! Oh and out of breath, side cramp...bring it on!
I'm just mad about saffron
I felt the phone buzz and I contemplated not getting it, but when I saw it was Shaw, I decided I probably wanted to take it.
"Hey, Dana!" he shouts. It's very loud where he is, almost like he's in a bar. I guess he probably was.
"Hey," I gurgle.
"Hey, how would you like to go to the Nuggets game tomorrow night?"
More gurgling on my part. I believe my exact words were "mehemanaa...blah..meh...wha? How? Wha? Umm...hell yeah!"
At this point I went to prop myself up from my pitiful position. I even temporarily forgot that my head hurt.
"Oh, well, there's just one thing...you have to wear a yellow shirt."
"We're going to be sitting with Melo's Yellows!?!?"
I should explain that last week at the game, my very first game I might add, there I was in the eight row having a grand ol' time, but feeling slightly envious of section 368 (waaaay up there in the third section). Fans were jazzed where I was sitting, but waaaay up there was an entire section wearing yellow shirts (with Carmelo Anthony's face on them), standing the entire game, cheering rowdily, and other such shenanigans. Nothing seemed more exciting in my bandwagon daze.
Apparently if you know the right people you can get on an email list...and voila, Shaw managed to score a few tickets. Ohhh happy day!
If I thought the first game was fun...well this one kicked the crap out of that game. Although it wasn't as close, I shouted myself near hoarse (and am feeling surprisingly spry today...good thing too since I'm going for a run soon...more on that in a minute), and the Nuggets clinched the series against the Mavericks.
On the way home, I still was buzzing with so much excitement I had to tell someone who'd get how thrilling this actually was. Needless to say he was green with envy (but he looks good in green).
I have a lot of thoughts to get out here so without much of a non-sequitor, I'm launching in to my run today. BolderBoulder training didn't end up the way I wanted it to this year, but I've spent the better part of the day today imagining the 4 mile run Kristin and I have planned (Kristin is: awesome, a new running buddy, living four blocks from me, awesome, similar in running pace to me, introducing me back in to yoga, and...hmmm, did I mention awesome?) and thinking to myself, I am going to run the whole thing. The mental preparation for this run is in place!
Being sick has definitely held me back from training, but I've also held myself back (laziness and silly excuses). I'm hoping the more people/promises I'm accountable to, the more I'll hold up my end of the bargain!
So time to go change into workout clothes and head out the door. Hot, sweaty, red face...sounds like a great Thursday night to me! Oh and out of breath, side cramp...bring it on!
I'm just mad about saffron
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Snow Day
It seems like I write a lot of blogs that mention me not posting in a while. I always have an excuse. Blah blah blah. I know my excuse, but I'm not going to tell you what it is. It's the reason I haven't been writing and therefore...er...okay, well it's a little complicated. Suffice it to say...maybe I'll tell you some day, but now is not the time.
I realized that any reason, no matter how good, shouldn't stop me from writing. I've been lacking the balance a bit and it's time I stopped thinking about getting in shape for the BolderBoulder (it's an obsession that hasn't exactly worked out the way I want).
Today I left work at 12:45. I'm no longer surprised that the most snow we have all winter in Colorado happens when it's technically been spring for a week. Fortunately my office closed early and it only took me 75 minutes to get home (as opposed to the normal 30). I'm lucky. I've heard longer quotes from others. The scariest part of the drive was by far getting off of the interstate. As I was turning left at the light I realized there was a car stopped directly in my path, it's tires spinning desperately. The road was pure ice and he was pointing uphill. Never a good sign. I was about to stop my own car when I realized I'd be in the same predicament. Fortunately, I was able to communicate my panic and elevated heart rate to the car next to me and we took turns slowly (with no stopping) passing the tire-spinner (hope he's not still there...).
I have dinner plans with Shaw tonight, although I don't know how exactly that will pan out. I don't really feel like getting back in my car and I have no groceries. I have been reading Writing Children's Books for Dummies, which has taken away some of my anxiety and replaced it with inspiration and realistic expectations (two things that need to go hand-in-hand for me...otherwise I'm floating on cloud nine, not really paying attention or understanding what's going on back on planet Earth).
So how has my training been going for the BolderBoulder? Not well. Somehow I lost the happy balance I was aiming for and am working too much with excesses. Too much unhealthy eating combatted by too much working out combatted by not enough running. I'm trying to find some kind of way to co-exist with this new way of doing things and am still in a trial-and-error phase.
I realized that any reason, no matter how good, shouldn't stop me from writing. I've been lacking the balance a bit and it's time I stopped thinking about getting in shape for the BolderBoulder (it's an obsession that hasn't exactly worked out the way I want).
Today I left work at 12:45. I'm no longer surprised that the most snow we have all winter in Colorado happens when it's technically been spring for a week. Fortunately my office closed early and it only took me 75 minutes to get home (as opposed to the normal 30). I'm lucky. I've heard longer quotes from others. The scariest part of the drive was by far getting off of the interstate. As I was turning left at the light I realized there was a car stopped directly in my path, it's tires spinning desperately. The road was pure ice and he was pointing uphill. Never a good sign. I was about to stop my own car when I realized I'd be in the same predicament. Fortunately, I was able to communicate my panic and elevated heart rate to the car next to me and we took turns slowly (with no stopping) passing the tire-spinner (hope he's not still there...).
I have dinner plans with Shaw tonight, although I don't know how exactly that will pan out. I don't really feel like getting back in my car and I have no groceries. I have been reading Writing Children's Books for Dummies, which has taken away some of my anxiety and replaced it with inspiration and realistic expectations (two things that need to go hand-in-hand for me...otherwise I'm floating on cloud nine, not really paying attention or understanding what's going on back on planet Earth).
So how has my training been going for the BolderBoulder? Not well. Somehow I lost the happy balance I was aiming for and am working too much with excesses. Too much unhealthy eating combatted by too much working out combatted by not enough running. I'm trying to find some kind of way to co-exist with this new way of doing things and am still in a trial-and-error phase.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
It's Official...
I'm in training for the Bolder Boulder
That's right, this 10K tradition is a mere 3 months away and I need to hit the training hard if I'm going to make my goal this year. Last year I ran it in 67 minutes. This year I want to run it in under an hour. That's a little more than a minute that I need to shave off of each mile. Right now I can only run 1 mile at that pace. And my best distance time is a 5K right on pace with my BB time from last year. Needless to say...I need more training!
I haven't gotten to the stage where I cut out all delicious foods yet, but I'm really trying to give up on ones that are a crutch (I do not consider the glass of red wine I'm drinking right now to be on that list of vices).
My life is definitely more together...I'm more together
I know I've been claiming this sentiment for well over a year now, but that doesn't mean that I stop being excited about being happy being...well...me. Maybe that's a crazy thing to get excited about, but I feel myself getting healthier every day. A couple of weeks ago I actually looked at a picture of Rob and didn't feel ANY nostalgia. Not one drop. I just laughed, thought "really?" and realized I'd finally reached a place of indifference. Sure, sure, I've been there for a while too, but I'll admit I hadn't wanted to test it out till recently.
I no longer hate this winter
I'm not sure how much I ever really didn't like this winter (it has been shockingly mild). We had another 60 degreer today. However, Groundhog Day always bums me out a little. Seriously, we're only halfway there? I think. But today something magical happened. Sure, sure, there might be some snowstorms left in this thing (and there is a part of me that delights in those white beauties), but I've been itching to be able to run/train outside more than just the occasionally beautiful Saturday. Tonight there was actually running light until 5:30. It was so bizarre. I could swear that the day before there wasn't running light past 5:00. Suddenly the increasing daylight catches up with you and you realize that there is hope again. I have hope and the delightful promise of spring on my mind.
My romantic horizon is confusing and I'm still happy
Kerry may not believe it, having just had a conversation with me about this only a few hours ago (where she practically talked my mind down from a mini panic attack), but I'm feeling okay. Yes, all you naysayers out there, I know I'm my own worst enemy. I know I let my mind run ahead of things and am easily disappointed. Common phrases out of the mouths of friends/lovedones: "I just don't want you to get your hopes up." I'm sorry, but that's how I operate. Sure, sure, if I didn't do it so much, I might have less highs and lows...but that would mean I would have less highs. I'll pour everything I have into looking forward to things, and if that means I'm disappointed from time to time, meh.
So, those of you who I don't see on a regular basis are perhaps wondering what the heck I'm talking about. I have to shorten this a bit, but lets just say that my long time crush: a) is no longer dating his pseudo girlfriend, b) has been sending me mixed signals (try drunken flirting with me (including dancing and hand holding) and soberly avoiding couch snuggling - sheez, Kerry's right...I'm a hop-skip-and-a-jump away from high school crush, but er, that's pretty much how I've always been, even since high school...that is, an over-analyzer) and c) is going out to dinner with me tomorrow night to my favorite sushi place. No, it is not a date. Pseudo date? Fauxdate? Fate? I don't know! But I know I do want to just roll with it and see what happens. And right now I'm not letting any of the negative voices in my head. And I definitely heard a "squeeeee" escape my lips...
That's right, this 10K tradition is a mere 3 months away and I need to hit the training hard if I'm going to make my goal this year. Last year I ran it in 67 minutes. This year I want to run it in under an hour. That's a little more than a minute that I need to shave off of each mile. Right now I can only run 1 mile at that pace. And my best distance time is a 5K right on pace with my BB time from last year. Needless to say...I need more training!
I haven't gotten to the stage where I cut out all delicious foods yet, but I'm really trying to give up on ones that are a crutch (I do not consider the glass of red wine I'm drinking right now to be on that list of vices).
My life is definitely more together...I'm more together
I know I've been claiming this sentiment for well over a year now, but that doesn't mean that I stop being excited about being happy being...well...me. Maybe that's a crazy thing to get excited about, but I feel myself getting healthier every day. A couple of weeks ago I actually looked at a picture of Rob and didn't feel ANY nostalgia. Not one drop. I just laughed, thought "really?" and realized I'd finally reached a place of indifference. Sure, sure, I've been there for a while too, but I'll admit I hadn't wanted to test it out till recently.
I no longer hate this winter
I'm not sure how much I ever really didn't like this winter (it has been shockingly mild). We had another 60 degreer today. However, Groundhog Day always bums me out a little. Seriously, we're only halfway there? I think. But today something magical happened. Sure, sure, there might be some snowstorms left in this thing (and there is a part of me that delights in those white beauties), but I've been itching to be able to run/train outside more than just the occasionally beautiful Saturday. Tonight there was actually running light until 5:30. It was so bizarre. I could swear that the day before there wasn't running light past 5:00. Suddenly the increasing daylight catches up with you and you realize that there is hope again. I have hope and the delightful promise of spring on my mind.
My romantic horizon is confusing and I'm still happy
Kerry may not believe it, having just had a conversation with me about this only a few hours ago (where she practically talked my mind down from a mini panic attack), but I'm feeling okay. Yes, all you naysayers out there, I know I'm my own worst enemy. I know I let my mind run ahead of things and am easily disappointed. Common phrases out of the mouths of friends/lovedones: "I just don't want you to get your hopes up." I'm sorry, but that's how I operate. Sure, sure, if I didn't do it so much, I might have less highs and lows...but that would mean I would have less highs. I'll pour everything I have into looking forward to things, and if that means I'm disappointed from time to time, meh.
So, those of you who I don't see on a regular basis are perhaps wondering what the heck I'm talking about. I have to shorten this a bit, but lets just say that my long time crush: a) is no longer dating his pseudo girlfriend, b) has been sending me mixed signals (try drunken flirting with me (including dancing and hand holding) and soberly avoiding couch snuggling - sheez, Kerry's right...I'm a hop-skip-and-a-jump away from high school crush, but er, that's pretty much how I've always been, even since high school...that is, an over-analyzer) and c) is going out to dinner with me tomorrow night to my favorite sushi place. No, it is not a date. Pseudo date? Fauxdate? Fate? I don't know! But I know I do want to just roll with it and see what happens. And right now I'm not letting any of the negative voices in my head. And I definitely heard a "squeeeee" escape my lips...
Saturday, January 17, 2009
When it comes to Extraversion you are: Sometimes Outgoing, Sometimes Reserved
Smile. It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining. I spent the morning doing my thank you cards for christmas presents (which was a fun creative project). Had some delicious Q'doba for lunch. I'm leaving in about thirty minutes to take a class called Basics of Cooking. I...oh...oh I see. You want to know how my date went last night? You don't care about the fun mundane details of my morning? Okay, okay!
My thoughts on the date. Overall, we had a lot of fun. I think it went a little long (I felt like we lost some of our momentum or something). However, still a good second date.
We met at his place in Boulder and after a brief view of the living room and meeting his roommate, we went out to his car. At first he walked to the passenger side and I thought maybe he was going to open the door for me, which I'll admit the first thing I thought was "Oh, that's very nice, but could get old fast." I'm fairly independent and having a guy open doors for me makes me feel awkward. But he just chucked before he even go to the door, and said "Er, I guess I'm expecting you to drive me!" and quickly went over to his side of the car.
We went down to Pearl street to a winery there where you can sample wines. The conversation of the night was probably best here, especially when I made a Star Trek reference, which prompted him to bring up other SciFi topics, including two of my favorites: Firefly and Battlestar Galactica.
After we left the winery, we ended up at another bar good for drinking wine. I also order caprese skewers (skewers with tomatoes, mozzarella, and basil) since I hadn't really had a chance to eat much. He admitted he was impressed...someone who liked Firefly and had good taste in food.
After a couple glasses of wine at the bar (and meeting his friendly female band-mate), we went to the St. Julien (a hotel) to have a little more water and chat a little more. We ended up leaving Pearl street a little after 1:00 (another 5+ hour date).
I feel a little...er...I don't know how to explain this. The date went well, and there was a lot of good conversation, especially at the beginning. I just felt like as the evening went on we both were fairly tired. I didn't have the same "clicking" feeling as I had early on in the evening...it's so hard to read a situation like that when you're both tired.
So. Hmmm. What do I know. Good conversation. He seemed emphatic that he would call me again. We seem to get along pretty well. The few times he touched my arm to emphasize a point I felt a thrill in my stomach. He doesn't seem to want to take things too fast, which I really like. I really want to get to know him before I dive too far into anything. Or else he's not interested...I'm hoping for the former. Because I'm interested. I just finally really like where my life is going and plan on being very selective about who I romantically let into my life.
My thoughts on the date. Overall, we had a lot of fun. I think it went a little long (I felt like we lost some of our momentum or something). However, still a good second date.
We met at his place in Boulder and after a brief view of the living room and meeting his roommate, we went out to his car. At first he walked to the passenger side and I thought maybe he was going to open the door for me, which I'll admit the first thing I thought was "Oh, that's very nice, but could get old fast." I'm fairly independent and having a guy open doors for me makes me feel awkward. But he just chucked before he even go to the door, and said "Er, I guess I'm expecting you to drive me!" and quickly went over to his side of the car.
We went down to Pearl street to a winery there where you can sample wines. The conversation of the night was probably best here, especially when I made a Star Trek reference, which prompted him to bring up other SciFi topics, including two of my favorites: Firefly and Battlestar Galactica.
After we left the winery, we ended up at another bar good for drinking wine. I also order caprese skewers (skewers with tomatoes, mozzarella, and basil) since I hadn't really had a chance to eat much. He admitted he was impressed...someone who liked Firefly and had good taste in food.
After a couple glasses of wine at the bar (and meeting his friendly female band-mate), we went to the St. Julien (a hotel) to have a little more water and chat a little more. We ended up leaving Pearl street a little after 1:00 (another 5+ hour date).
I feel a little...er...I don't know how to explain this. The date went well, and there was a lot of good conversation, especially at the beginning. I just felt like as the evening went on we both were fairly tired. I didn't have the same "clicking" feeling as I had early on in the evening...it's so hard to read a situation like that when you're both tired.
So. Hmmm. What do I know. Good conversation. He seemed emphatic that he would call me again. We seem to get along pretty well. The few times he touched my arm to emphasize a point I felt a thrill in my stomach. He doesn't seem to want to take things too fast, which I really like. I really want to get to know him before I dive too far into anything. Or else he's not interested...I'm hoping for the former. Because I'm interested. I just finally really like where my life is going and plan on being very selective about who I romantically let into my life.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Dana Does Dating
The real anticipation sinks in about an hour before she's supposed to leave work. She has things to do. Look at them. There they are, sitting on her desk. She chats with co-workers, works on her to-do list for the coming week and can barely sit still in her chair. In fact she's out of it more than she's in it. At last 4:45 rolls around and after her long week of working she can justify taking off.
Traffic is a sea of red tail lights snuggling in close together. Much like in grad school, she appreciates the extra time to listen to a genius playlist that doesn't get her too riled up and lets her sing at the top of her voice. She's thankful for the rush hour - she truly can't be doing anything else (although she does nervously drumroll on the steering wheel from time to time and there is definitely a suspicious grin spread across her face). Occasionally she has to remind herself that there are in fact cars in front of her, you know, braking.
Home at last (5:25), she dashes in the front door. Her feet don't know the meaning of "walk" any more. She runs around, putting things away (because her apartment should not reflect the chaos that is thudding in her chest) and feeding an insistent cat. Although she's starving, she diligently moves on to her next step, because food can not come before the workout (5:35).
As she's been getting over a cold this week, her workouts have been easy-going. But tonight, the energy and excitement (and the freaked-out-ness her conscience prompts) can't get her little legs moving fast enough on her elliptical. She lets the music overwhelm her and rocks out for half an hour, hoping to calm down.
Shower time (6:15). She's still starving, but eating right after the workout doesn't bode too well for the stomach either. After quickly washing the day's makeup off, she hops under the relaxing hot stream, water and sweat mingling and distilling until she literally squeaks.
A few Cuties (food finally at 6:30!) are thrown down as she lets the tension flow through her fingers and into the keyboard. She's been writing this blog post in her head for the past hour in attempt to distract those darn butterflies in her stomach.
She grabs a yogurt from the fridge and tosses a few bites in her mouth before she realizes her cheeks are finally cool enough (remember the intense workout and steamy shower?) for her to put her foundation on. She puts deodorant on (twice...er,,,for good measure, not because she forgot or anything), throws a few more bites of yogurt down, plugs in her hot rollers, and blowdrys her hair. Although she is quite sure this defies certain date laws, she is perfectly aware that her bangs come out of the situation looking better than they have all week.
After whisking her hair up in the hot rollers (if only this action were that carefree - 6:58)), and cramming the rest of the yogurt down her throat, she dashes back to the bathroom mirror to put on makeup (she keeps it simple and delights in the metallic ivory shimmer effect her eyelids end up with...the cute/sexy ethos is definitely emerging - 7:10). Back to the keyboard to release more of that darn tension. The cat, tired of being ignored, hops up in bed and stubbornly sits "in her lap" (despite the fact that the only lap he can find is arm-legs-arm...he doesn't even seem to mind the jiggling motion the typing sends him in).
7:18. Shit!!! I'm "supposed" to leave at 7:20 if I'm going to be in north Boulder by 8:00. Sorry kitty, time to take the rollers out. And what the hell happened to the third person? Rollers out. Earrings in. Rings on. Oh yeah, I got dressed in there somewhere. Phone. Hairspray (crap, keep your eyes closed you idiot!). Coat. Eek, I don't like how that one looks. Second coat. Purse. Blogger! (because at this point I have to...err, no time to proofread!). Spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet?
7:28...out the door! Go you dork :)
Traffic is a sea of red tail lights snuggling in close together. Much like in grad school, she appreciates the extra time to listen to a genius playlist that doesn't get her too riled up and lets her sing at the top of her voice. She's thankful for the rush hour - she truly can't be doing anything else (although she does nervously drumroll on the steering wheel from time to time and there is definitely a suspicious grin spread across her face). Occasionally she has to remind herself that there are in fact cars in front of her, you know, braking.
Home at last (5:25), she dashes in the front door. Her feet don't know the meaning of "walk" any more. She runs around, putting things away (because her apartment should not reflect the chaos that is thudding in her chest) and feeding an insistent cat. Although she's starving, she diligently moves on to her next step, because food can not come before the workout (5:35).
As she's been getting over a cold this week, her workouts have been easy-going. But tonight, the energy and excitement (and the freaked-out-ness her conscience prompts) can't get her little legs moving fast enough on her elliptical. She lets the music overwhelm her and rocks out for half an hour, hoping to calm down.
Shower time (6:15). She's still starving, but eating right after the workout doesn't bode too well for the stomach either. After quickly washing the day's makeup off, she hops under the relaxing hot stream, water and sweat mingling and distilling until she literally squeaks.
A few Cuties (food finally at 6:30!) are thrown down as she lets the tension flow through her fingers and into the keyboard. She's been writing this blog post in her head for the past hour in attempt to distract those darn butterflies in her stomach.
She grabs a yogurt from the fridge and tosses a few bites in her mouth before she realizes her cheeks are finally cool enough (remember the intense workout and steamy shower?) for her to put her foundation on. She puts deodorant on (twice...er,,,for good measure, not because she forgot or anything), throws a few more bites of yogurt down, plugs in her hot rollers, and blowdrys her hair. Although she is quite sure this defies certain date laws, she is perfectly aware that her bangs come out of the situation looking better than they have all week.
After whisking her hair up in the hot rollers (if only this action were that carefree - 6:58)), and cramming the rest of the yogurt down her throat, she dashes back to the bathroom mirror to put on makeup (she keeps it simple and delights in the metallic ivory shimmer effect her eyelids end up with...the cute/sexy ethos is definitely emerging - 7:10). Back to the keyboard to release more of that darn tension. The cat, tired of being ignored, hops up in bed and stubbornly sits "in her lap" (despite the fact that the only lap he can find is arm-legs-arm...he doesn't even seem to mind the jiggling motion the typing sends him in).
7:18. Shit!!! I'm "supposed" to leave at 7:20 if I'm going to be in north Boulder by 8:00. Sorry kitty, time to take the rollers out. And what the hell happened to the third person? Rollers out. Earrings in. Rings on. Oh yeah, I got dressed in there somewhere. Phone. Hairspray (crap, keep your eyes closed you idiot!). Coat. Eek, I don't like how that one looks. Second coat. Purse. Blogger! (because at this point I have to...err, no time to proofread!). Spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet?
7:28...out the door! Go you dork :)
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